Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Supposed to be Jolly

guitar

“I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.”

Where have I heard that before? Oh yes, everywhere. The internet allows us to trace terrible jokes throughout time in ways that have never before been possible. Thank you Google Books (a project both amazing and scary) and IMDB. Since internet moratoriums a dime a dozen, we at Gather Round Children beg no one to stop making the joke. We will simply call you out on it if you do.

Movies:

“Faces” (1968)
Jeannie: Skinny people are not like fat people. Fat people are jolly. Right?
Richard Forst: Wrong. Skinny people are happy because they’re not fat.

“Birds of a Feather” (1989)
[Dorien enters.]
Dorien Green: Good afternoon, neighbours.
Sharon Theodopolopoudos: It was, up until now.
Dorien Green: Now, now, Sharon. Fat people are supposed to be jolly; it’s a tradition.

Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (2006)
“Now let’s move it before the ground falls out from under our feet.”
“I thought fat guys are supposed to be jolly.”
“I’m not fat. It’s this fur that makes me look big. It’s poofy.”
“Oh, okay. He’s fat.”

TV:

The Munsters (1964)
Herman Munster: Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat?
Marilyn Munster: Well…
Herman Munster: Never mind!
Grandpa: What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don’t you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?

Family Guy (fairly recent):
Lois Griffin: I’m going to Stop ‘N Shop for some sweet corn.
Peter Griffin: You’re spending money on food again?
Peter Griffin: Lois, we just had dinner.
Lois Griffin: I enjoyed it so much, I thought we’d eat again tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?
Peter Griffin: I just…
Peter Griffin: Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but…
Lois Griffin: What is it, Peter?
Peter Griffin: You’re getting kind of fat.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: It’s just… It’s not healthy.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week.
Lois Griffin: When was the last time you saw your toes?
Peter Griffin: I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.

Books:

How to Survive Old Age (Nonfiction) – Page 155
by Evan Keliher – 2000
Fat people, by all accounts, are supposed to be jolly and fun loving and hence have no business killing themselves.

I’ll Never Have Sex With You Again!: Tales from the Delivery Room (Nonfiction) – Page 146
by Larry Bleidner, Irene Zutell – 2002
He had to have been over four hundred pounds. By the time he walked the fifteen feet to my door, he was panting. I thought to myself, I hope fat people are jolly.

Lucky? (Fiction) – Page 48
by Richard Craig – 2003 – 564 page
Mr Fischer was still in attendance even though Jones himself had left us in the capable hands of Chief Perry Office Weiss, the meanest little person I had ever met. I thought midgets and fat people were supposed to be jolly.

Circles Within Circles (Fiction) – Page 8
by Robert L. Skidmore – 2005 – 264 pages
She tapped the schedule with a pudgy finger to stress her point.
“Thank you,” Gif said, turning towards the closed door, stifling the unkind thought that fat ladies were supposed to be jolly.

This is an incomplete list. If you know of any more “supposed to be jolly” instances, please comment below.

You’re a Boating “Accident” Away From Being as Popular as I Am

darnell by Darnell Brisco 

I always wondered why I thrive the way that I do—athletically, academically, socially, romantically. Is it because my lack of tact, diluted sense of bashfulness, and unique brand of boldness (coming to a convenience store near you this fall) allows me to say anything and act in a manner that simultaneously shocks and intrigues? Could it be the unusually chiseled abs, or the legs that rival most super models and/or flamingos (take your pick), that give me a “leg up” on the competition?  Or possibly it’s my insatiable lust for attention, derived from my childhood abandonment by my parents in that burning field of rice patties so many years ago. I suppose these are all feasible grounds to diagnose my knack for getting by without doing much at all to merit my glamorous accolades.

Then it hit me, all by accident.

I was on Wikipedia.org the other day, the wonderful web-based free encyclopedia (Take that, 18 piece Encyclopedia Britannica! I want my 31 easy payments of 32.95 back…. with interest!) doing a little catching up on my Lord of the Rings knowledge for the upcoming convention. I browsed through some little-known Gandalf tidbits, checked on an updated map of the Shire, and figured I’d wrap it up with a little J.R.R. trivia. So I attempted to type Tolkienisms, hoping for some witty quotes overheard while he was knockin back a few with ole Clive Staples. But lo and behold, I forget the “I” and “L,” and typed in “tokenisms” which then led me to the following epiphany.

According to Wikipedia, Tokenism refers to a policy or practice of limited inclusion of members of a minority group, (although) their difference may be overemphasized or made “exotic” and glamorous. That brief definition summed up a lifetime of party invitations and suspiciously long laughter following my jokes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, a Greek philosopher, or a the inventor of silly putty to realize where an young, slender yet well-built African American male can use this to his advantage in, say… Malibu.

Naturally, it also got me thinking, “How can I take my experiences and share this with the faithful masses, which are the Gather Round, Children community?” So just in case you’re not Black in Malibu, here’s a practical way that you too could successfully use your tokenism to your advantage:

1) Lose a Limb: Plenty to choose from. I personally suggest an arm, although a leg wouldn’t be all that bad. Even a hand by its lonesome would do. I mean, just think: you could get a cool hook (see Buster from “Arrested Development,” Season 3), laser-shooting bionic eye (see “The Six Million Dollar Man”), or a machine gun (see Barret Wallace, thank you bachelorhood!).

2) To boost your token status, you might want to get a cool story to go along with it. I suggest getting the limb bitten off by a shark. I’m not sure how many people you know who have personally suffered shark attacks, but in my experience, they get a lot of attention. You can go to any local aquarium (or if you’re very brave, Florida), cover the desired limb in fish guts or your bait of choice, and then stick that bad boy into the tank when no ones looking. Then begin taunting. Something like: “Hey stupid sharks, bet you can’t bite off just this one limb and then leave me and my team of doctors to tend my excruciatingly painful wound.”

So go out and figure out what puts you in the glamorous minority and then place yourself in an environment that really causes you to stand out. I’ll be praying for the day when all of you GRC fans get the special attention and privileges I do.

As I hear people shouting things like, “Hey 3rd nipple kid, you want to party?” or “Hey, Hunchback boy, I’ve got a special treat for you, just because you’re different,” I’ll be smiling from ear to ear. I hope you all will too.

Except for you, one-eared girl.

Tagged

The Truth is Tough Sometimes but DEAL WITH IT

guitarDid I ever tell you about the Beatles? Yeah. They were this band in the sixties where everybody all of a sudden jumped on this bandwagon. And they were like, “The Beatles are the greatest band of all time” and everybody else believed it, but nobody actually liked them. Like when they listened to the Beatles, it didn’t even elevate their mood. They just listened to them to fit in. They were so stupid and conformist. It was nothing like Slayer which is good music. Anyway, they just listened to the Beatles all the time. And they listened to these songs where some of them were trying to be really sad, like, “Yesterdaaaaay…” and “I look at all the lonely people…” but most of the time they were like, “She loves you yeah yeah yeah / All you need is love / La la la lala la” and it’s so stupid and AS IF the world even works like that: All you need is love? What about friggin money? Hey. No, wait. Not materialism but like. Money to buy food? And! Water. What about money to buy Aquafina? So that’s stupid. Wait. Did I ever tell you about the Nazi that walks the streets of Malibu? It’s crazy, right, because everybody knows that anti-Semitism is so 1943 BUT he goes around with his Swastika patches on his… person. And he talks all kinds of crap and what he does is, he actually doesn’t talk bad about Jews, he just talks bad about movies. And he says, “All the modern movies are so stupid and they’re so commercial and they’re so predictable.” And what he’s doing is, he’s trying to take down the Jewish movie empire when actually, what everybody knows is: movies are really, really good. So it turns out that this guy is a Nazi and what I said a second ago about him wearing a Swastika, I meant it as a metaphor because he doesn’t actually do that and he’s not actually German but still, what I mean is, that: he hates Jewish people because he hates movies and he only watches indie movies and everybody knows that Jewish people don’t even make indie movies so it’s a real tragedy and I hope that somebody shoots him before he takes down Hollywood. He’s probably the guy that set fire to Malibu the other day. Sorry sicko, your plan failed BIG TIME. And so yeah. Everybody said that the Beatles were so great and they were writing these nice reviews about them BUT THEN the Beatles started doing drugs and everybody was like, “Oh it’s so cool that they’re doing drugs, their music’s getting ever better.” And now… all these people are trying to be cool and—keep in mind—no one even REALLY likes them, nobody even enjoys listening to them, but then some people were like, “Their early stuff is kind of lame but then when they started doin drugs they got really good” and I’m like, “Grow UP. That is so stupid.” And so the moral of the story is: Don’t do f***ing drugs cause it’s so stupid and if you think that it’s good then you’re just falling into the same trap as everybody who pretends to like the Beatles.