Category Archives: Invented Statistics

Invented Statistics #8

guitar with Gabe “12.5% German” Durham

4% of cooks who use the expression “My blood went into this meal” actually cook with a dash of their own blood.

In 2.6 years, the internet will have rendered the boast “I don’t own a TV” completely irrelevant.

A woman who attempts to find bloggers who hate the same things/people/places that she does has a 99.6% chance of being wildly successful.

Cumulonimbus clouds are 18% sexier than cirrus clouds.

One tablespoon of taco flavoring makes vegetable soup indistinguishably “funny tasting” and will be refused by 1 in 10 restaurant patrons.

If temperatures are mild, a healthy man can survive on love alone for up to 30 hours. Then he will need some water.

Invented Statistics #7

Tombom with Thomas Bush

37% of wine glasses in the United States break during their first three months of use. This is 60% accounted for by wine glass companies’ intentional use of brittle glass; the other 40% of breaks occur because nothing makes a point like shattering a wine glass against the wall.

The aforementioned statistic is 45% lower in all European countries due to two main factors: less frequent binge drinking and higher tolerance levels.

1 in 15 flight attendants are remotely attractive; this number is down 86% from the mid-70’s, the golden age of commercial flights and questionable hiring practices.

78% of books are put down and forgotten less than one month after initiated. This is 10% higher than the inefficiency rate of new years resolutions; early indicators suggest that the 10% differential in favor of resolutions comes from the potential for increased “sexiness” in the fulfillment of resolutions whereas the finishing of books has the opposite effect.

90% of water fountains in public schools are either dramatically underpowered or overpowered. 3 out of 4 pharmaceutical company stakeholders cherish this statistic because of increased germ transference and dehydration, both of which lead to increased revenues.

13% of deer hunters wish they could walk away from the activity altogether but stay involved to protect themselves from the accusation, “You’re not a REAL man.”

98% of collectors agree that the ivory from elephant tusks is SO much more valuable than an elephants life. After all, you can always make more elephants.

Invented Statistics #6

dave

with Dave Lemley of “36 Cents For Your Entire Brain

79% of dates designated “In the Year of Our Lord” indicate fictional
historical tales composed by a 17th century Irish traveling minstrel
named Lucky Thumbs Hernandez. A former ombudsman for the Knights
Templar, he is also responsible for 23% of the text of closing
arguments in network legal dramas.

If a car is traveling the speed of light and turns on its headlights,
there is a 43% chance the car alarm will already be going off when it
slows to the speed of sound. But in 99.7% of cases, the driver would
not be able to hear it, because she is traveling at the same speed as
the soundwaves. .3% of drivers would be able to hear it, because of
an unusual phenomenon that speeds up all sound they receive to the
speed of light. These individuals find the Hollywood Bowl a very
disorienting venue. All drivers in this scenario are instantly killed
by airbags, rendering the statistics unprovable. 100% scientists agree.

8% of all facebook groups were created by actor Steve Buscemi. He
obsessively maintains this percentage at all times, often using a
double in public appearances when he is “warned” by his “minifeed
sense” that he must create another group.

1 out of 4 cell phones in the United States are equipped with x-ray
vision, a feature mechanically suppressed by the FCA until 2012.

By the year 2012, 87% of Americans will use x-ray vision to solve
crimes at home, creating a 90% drop in the popularity of police
procedural dramas and a 93% drop in public funding for police
departments. By 2014, David Caruso will have died from obscurity. By
2015, all U.S. cell phones will have their heat vision features
unlocked. By 2018, 79% former public servants will be employed in
Verizon mall kiosks. At that time Verizon will be exclusively selling
a dairy-free frozen confection labeled “The Ice Cream of the Present.”

Every time a North American IP address is identified downloading
music from a questionable foreign mp3 site, Steve Jobs revokes an
angel’s wings.

Invented Statistics #5

guitar

The average stomach temporarily expands 15% at the mention of dessert.

I could be somewhat familiar with 200 new musicians if I stopped listening to my favorite musicians.

I could meet 200 more acquaintances if I stopped returning calls from my friends and neglected my spouse.

80% of people who employ the “slippery slope” method in arguments (“If we give them food today, won’t they tomorrow come to expect food and break into our homes and murder our spouses to get the food?”) also employ the “that steamed broccoli could have been sent to starving children” to advocate the completion of dinner.

An ironed dress shirt demands 50% respect than an unironed dress shirt.

Demanding respect of another person is 66% more stressful than respecting yourself and hoping that others will follow your lead because, after all, you are a person.

A little boy at a bus stop in Northampton will dangle his feet twice as quickly if there is a homeless woman yelling, to no one in particular, that she should not have to be digging for food in the garbage.

Invented Statistics #4 – Technology

guitar 

Once Google Books has every published book on its database, proof will exist that 97% of everything anyone writes is cliché. The other 3% is likely gibberish, like when you mash your hands over the keyboard. By 2020, a truly original poem will look like “erooooh;43a 09999;onygai;;= / -09i-t4-q[despair4q38tio / fvkngvtormentte4ha38 / 904yp08q”.

Thanks to the internet, only 9% of the 1-900 numbers that existed in 1993 are still around today.

By 2034, the computer will be able to feel 13% more love than the average human and only 17 American orators will be able to deliver a more stirring speech than a computer.

18% of all jury members wonder at some point in the trial why they don’t just send CSI in there to solve the damn thing.

If the US government promised free iPod Nanos to all forty-year-old women who had only birthed one or zero babies, the population increase would be slowed by 4,000 babies per year. (Stipulation: If one of these women has a baby after receiving her free iPod Nano, the government should compliment her on her miracle and confiscate her iPod Nano or tax her for the going eBay rate.)

96% percent of all remembered birthdays are the result of facebook.com reminders.

Invented Statistics #3 – The Cuteness Timeline

cuteness  <– (Click to enlarge or download)

According to statisticians in the GRC Stat Lab, this is an accurate representation of the average person’s “cuteness level” throughout a lifetime. Invented participants were shown photos of subjects at various ages and asked, simply, “Cute or not cute? Rate cuteness on a scale of 1-10.” Right now, all we have is the numbers and we’re still sorting through them, trying to figure out what they mean. Note: For our purposes, “cuteness” and “attractiveness” are being lumped into the same category. Obviously, the high score at the age of 21 reflects a very different sort of cuteness than the high scores at the age of 1 or the age of 80.

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Invented Statistics #2

alex with trustworthy statistician Alex Moore

After driving in LA for 10 years, the average Los Angeles driver has a 74% chance of being an asshole.

It is a myth that cats have 9 lives. The average American cat only has 6.3 live. European cats have 5.7 (smokers), and African cats have 1.3 due to a rampant strain of cat AIDS.

The average aspiring musician has a 1/100,000 chance of making it big and considers herself roughly 3x more talented than she really is.

12% of the American Idol auditioners who are cut would have made the show if only they weren’t so ugly and boring. The other 88% are ugly, boring, and untalented (tough break).

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Invented Statistics

guitar

New series by Gabe Durham

A motorist on the freeway, after changing her iPod from Belle and Sebastian to Tupac, will increase her speed by an average of 10 mph and her heart rate by an average of 5 bpm.

The average pen has 40% ink remaining when discarded.

After ten years of driving, the average American is called an asshole 1,040 times.

God pays 80% of his attention to the poor. 

After ten years of driving in Los Angeles, the average Californian is called an asshole 15,600 times.

There are three breeds of dogs who can actually smell sarcasm.

The average American would have to be told of four tragic American deaths or 32 tragic Iraqi deaths to negate the pleasure he gets from one bowl of chocolate ice cream.

One in four young adults reports having given up on her dreams because of a loved one’s remark(s).

The average public restroom toilet gets 15x more use than the average private bathroom toilet.