COFFEE DOG BOMB (CDB) is a locally-owned business that sends to your residence or workplace a bombload of puppies that have been given as much coffee as they’d like right before visiting you. The coffee ensures that they are SO excited to see you.

I’m trying to figure out what you mean by “given as much coffee as they’d like.” Are they made to drink it?

Absolutely not, but they all drink it. They love the stuff!

We partially (non-dangerously) dehydrate the puppies for six hours leading up to your visit to ensure a raging thirst that only coffee is available to quench.

So what you’re saying is these puppies love coffee!

Yes. And the longer they’re a part of the team, the more the puppies love coffee.

What kind of coffee are the puppies served?

Our puppies are never served instant coffee. That’s a CDB guarantee. The rest is up to you, based on your budget and priorities:
1. Normal  – Folgers
2. Pupgrade (add’l $2 per pup) – Starbucks
3. Pupgrade Deluxe (add’l $6 per pup) – Fair Trade French Press Deans Beans + cream and sugar to taste

I am from PETA and I’ve got to say, I just love the idea that these puppies are often drinking top-notch coffee.

You’re welcome for our service to God’s animals.

What happens when my office gets COFFEE DOG BOMBED?

You and your coworkers will be in puppy heaven. There will be running and jumping and yipping and rolling and playfulness and squishy faces and PLEASE DO NOT WEAR CLEATS, STILETTOS, OR OTHERWISE “STABBY” SHOES.

An unfortunate effect of the caffeine is that if one of the puppies’ lil buddies gets killed or even noticeably injured in the frenzy, those puppies will rip into that buddy like a Salisbury steak and the party gets dark in a hurry.

Will the puppies bite me or my children?

They’ll playfully nip, but you should most likely be fine. However, we STRONGLY recommend that you do not let an infant within teeth’s reach of the puppies, who tend to rely on treat donations from customers for sustenance and will not have been fed before your CDB.

Are the puppies inoculated?

ALL puppies have had the opportunity to be inoculated, yes, though it is hard to tell who’s gotten the shot and who still needs one with SO MANY sweet goddamn puppies running all over the place.

Are any of the puppies technically wolf cubs?

Not anymore, no.

Is it true that the puppies will eventually grow into adult dogs?

Yes! Just as humans must grow from babies to children to disappointments, so must dogs.

Where do the “graduates” of the CDB program go?

They go to loving homes, to loving pounds, and/or eventually on to God.

Have you considered branching out into bunny bombs, snake bombs, or toddler bombs?

We have! Email us about what type of creature or object or fluid YOU would like to be bombed with. If the interest is there, we would LOVE to expand our reach and bomb as many happy Americans as humanly possible.

The guys and I are throwing my buddy a bachelor party. It’s between a stripper and a COFFEE DOG BOMB. Any thoughts?

Please keep in mind that there is to be absolutely NO physical contact between a member of your party and unless it is initiated by the puppy. Clients getting fresh with our puppies is considered a termination of contract and the puppies will IMMEDIATELY go back in the Puppy Trunk.

Do the puppies ever throw up from all that coffee?

Before each COFFEE DOG BOMB begins, you sign a quick and easy waiver saying you’re aware they’re going to be puking and shitting absolutely everywhere.

Aren’t puppies energetic enough without coffee?

Visit http://coffeedog.bomb for your COFFEE DOG BOMB today!

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2 thoughts on “COFFEE DOG BOMB FAQ

  1. I recently ordered a COFFEE DOG BOMB for my great-grandmother and her friends at Shady Acres, and Oh Boy! what a sight that was. So many smiles and puppies and urination from all parties. Thanks, COFFEE DOG BOMB!

  2. Gabe Durham says:

    Like so many things in life, peeing’s fine if everyone’s peeing.

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