Maybe not 5 minutes but FAST. These essay topics come from Grace Fleming. Okay here we go.
1. Is global climate change man-made? (Find Sources)
Of course it is, you DUMMY, and I don’t have time for sources.
2. Is the death penalty effective? (Find Sources)
3. Is our election process fair?
Yeah we’ve got killer voting booths with curtains and everything. Could use a technology upgrade. But hey did you mean SupePACs and all that?? That stuff is messed up! DEMOCRACY FOR SALE!
4. Do colleges put too much stock in standardized test scores? (Find Sources)
Yeah they should read hearts instead.
5. Is torture ever acceptable?
Of course not! Do you know how bad it hurts to be tortured??
6. Should men get paternity leave from work?
Yeah sign me up Sweden-style.
7. Is a lottery a good idea?
I dunno, does it make the poor poorer like casinos? i’ll go with yeah, lotto’s pretty fun and paves roads. it’s plucky.
8. Do we have a fair taxation system?
HA HA HA HA HA
9. Do curfews keep teens out of trouble?
Why are you asking me, dummy? Just do some studies and I’ll go with whatever they say.
10. Is cheating out of control?
11. Are we too dependent on computers?
For love, yes, but not for taxes.
12. Are parents clueless about child predators on the Internet?
No, grandparents are clueless about child predators on the Internet.
13. Should animals be used for research?
Gotta do it, don’t like it.
14. Should cigarette smoking be banned?
How would I feel self-righteous if my friends all quit smoking?
15. Are cell phones dangerous?
Yeah they get HOT–makes my ear hurt.
16. Are law enforcement cameras an invasion of privacy?
17. Are test scores a good indication of a school’s competency?
18. Do we have a throw-away society?
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
19. Is child behavior better or worse than it was years ago?
It’s more distracted and less violent and less racist and more dumb (not their fault!!)
20. Should companies market to children?
Of course! Children are so stupid (not their fault!!) they think Ronald McDonald loves them personally.
Any responsible government should of course stop them.
21. Should the government have a say in our diets?
Yeah like Michelle Obama’s plate thing.
22. Does access to condoms prevent teen pregnancy?
Yes, the other side is not arguable.
23. Does access to condoms lead to irresponsible, dangerous, or bad behavior?
Like robbing liquor stores? YES
24. Are actors and professional athletes paid too much?
Naw it’s like this flashy thing, “Did you hear Tom Cruise got 40 mil $$$ for Mission Impossible 2?” “We gotta see that!!!”
But also yes.
25. Are CEOs paid too much?
26. Do violent video games cause behavior problems?
Violent video games make children more boring to talk to.
27. Should creationism be taught in public schools?
All Science teachers should thank their devout students EVERY DAY for not getting them fired. Naw, evolution happened and I’m loving it.
28. Are beauty pageants exploitive?
Only in ways they intend to be.
29. Should English be the official language in the United States?
I am so sick of English.
30. Should the racing industry be forced to use biofuels?
I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.
31. When should parents let teens make their own decisions?
33. Should the military be allowed to recruit at high schools?
Probababably not. Outside of Marshalls is cool. JC Penny. The Roost.
34. Should the alcoholic drinking age be increased or decreased?
Decreased you DUMMY, nobody thinks increased.
35. Does age matter in relationships?
Love ain’t nothing but a number.
36. What age is appropriate for dating?
Half my age + 5
37. Should gay couples be able to marry?
Yes. And yes.
38. Are there benefits to attending a single-sex school?
Hearts less aflutter.
39. Does boredom lead to trouble?
40. Does participation in sports keep teens out of trouble?
Define ya terms lest ye WRECK ya terms
41. Is competition good?
Competition writes my books for me.
42. Does religion cause war?
43. Should the government provide health care?
Yeah public option make it happen
44. Should girls ask boys out?
Totally & the boys WOULD ask but they are busy riding DIRT BIKES
45. Is fashion important?
I am ever 6 months away from feeling like YES
46. Are girls too mean to each other?
Yes and you know what girls need to do? I, an adult white man, will tell you what girls need to do.
47. Is homework harmful or helpful?
Homework is where the magic happens.
48. Should students be allowed to grade their teachers?
49. Is the cost of college too high?
Like $50 too high. Lower college $50!
50. Is college admission too competitive?
Sometimes. One time it was for my friend.