Your Rebels and Your Saints

May I say obvious things? Things others have said better?

Oops. Forgot the definition of a blog for a second. Well then. I heard a song at the Y a couple of weeks ago and it ruined my summer. No, that’s not enough. I’m gonna pull out the stock web hyperbole for this one: Yaa! Bleedin out ma ears, the song killed my soul, I can’t feel my legs, my lower back aches a little, etc.

The song was an update of “Sweet Home Alabama” that retained the chord progression of the original, glossed it up, added a choir, and added empty nostalgia lyrics about summers past. The only line you need as proof: “Didn’t have no internet.” The song was sung by a dime-a-dozen modern country dude, his voice impossible to place for its indistinctness.

The chorus was as follows: “We were trying different things / We were smoking funny things / Making love out by the lake to our favorite song / Sipping whiskey out the bottle / Not thinking bout tomorrow / Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long.” Then the Sweet Home riff kicked in.

Something about this vapid glossy homage to a piece of already-vapid Americana got me pissed off in a righteous, “Pop culture thinks I’m dumb” kind of way. And make no mistake, that’s because pop culture thinks I’m dumb.

Well I looked it up. The song is called “All Summer Long.” The singer is Kid Rock. 15 bazillion people have already watched the video.

Dear The Man,

I can’t tell the difference between your rebels and your saints, between your rip-offs and your homages. I have a couple of ideas.

1. Male Equation: Rebel = Saint + Boozin + Smokin Funny Things + Surrounded by Babes + The Word “Rebel” Appears on Your Press Releases

2. Female Equation: Rebel = Saint + Time

3. Homage = Rip-Off + Royalties

By the way, look out for my new single “Free Birdin’ All Night Long.” It’s about this time that I listened to Free Bird, poolside, among sexy co-eds. Since it was only a month ago, I’m having a hard time writing nostalgic verses. So far, I’ve got: “Hadn’t heard of Sarah Palin / China was winning golds with children / something, something, something / Thought those days would never end.”

I will be famous, starting very soon. I feel famous now.

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2 thoughts on “Your Rebels and Your Saints

  1. Michael Ocean says:

    Tut, tut, Gabe. Just cause you have a tin ear for nostalgia doesn’t mean the rest of us real folks can’t enjoy this culture-defining track on our commutes home after a long day of hard work in the sun.

    Full disclosure: I hate this fucking song, I don’t do manual labor, and I work at home so I have no commute.

  2. Be elitist with me! It’s really fun. It’s how I try to get mistaken for elite.

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