Monthly Archives: November 2007

Season 5, Episode 6

darnellTombomalex skinner

Episode #6 “Circular Breathing” (11/27/07): Thomas Bush and Darnell Brisco and special guest comedian/musician Alex Skinner. Songs/segments: Tom in minority, at the KFC, saying what we’re thankful for, black preachers, “read!”, thankful part II, “This Land is Your Land,” “Red, Yellow, Black and White,” spanking, “Love Thomas Too.” Part One, Part Two

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Invented Statistics #8

guitar with Gabe “12.5% German” Durham

4% of cooks who use the expression “My blood went into this meal” actually cook with a dash of their own blood.

In 2.6 years, the internet will have rendered the boast “I don’t own a TV” completely irrelevant.

A woman who attempts to find bloggers who hate the same things/people/places that she does has a 99.6% chance of being wildly successful.

Cumulonimbus clouds are 18% sexier than cirrus clouds.

One tablespoon of taco flavoring makes vegetable soup indistinguishably “funny tasting” and will be refused by 1 in 10 restaurant patrons.

If temperatures are mild, a healthy man can survive on love alone for up to 30 hours. Then he will need some water.

Supposed to be Jolly

guitar

“I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.”

Where have I heard that before? Oh yes, everywhere. The internet allows us to trace terrible jokes throughout time in ways that have never before been possible. Thank you Google Books (a project both amazing and scary) and IMDB. Since internet moratoriums a dime a dozen, we at Gather Round Children beg no one to stop making the joke. We will simply call you out on it if you do.

Movies:

“Faces” (1968)
Jeannie: Skinny people are not like fat people. Fat people are jolly. Right?
Richard Forst: Wrong. Skinny people are happy because they’re not fat.

“Birds of a Feather” (1989)
[Dorien enters.]
Dorien Green: Good afternoon, neighbours.
Sharon Theodopolopoudos: It was, up until now.
Dorien Green: Now, now, Sharon. Fat people are supposed to be jolly; it’s a tradition.

Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (2006)
“Now let’s move it before the ground falls out from under our feet.”
“I thought fat guys are supposed to be jolly.”
“I’m not fat. It’s this fur that makes me look big. It’s poofy.”
“Oh, okay. He’s fat.”

TV:

The Munsters (1964)
Herman Munster: Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat?
Marilyn Munster: Well…
Herman Munster: Never mind!
Grandpa: What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don’t you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?

Family Guy (fairly recent):
Lois Griffin: I’m going to Stop ‘N Shop for some sweet corn.
Peter Griffin: You’re spending money on food again?
Peter Griffin: Lois, we just had dinner.
Lois Griffin: I enjoyed it so much, I thought we’d eat again tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?
Peter Griffin: I just…
Peter Griffin: Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but…
Lois Griffin: What is it, Peter?
Peter Griffin: You’re getting kind of fat.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: It’s just… It’s not healthy.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week.
Lois Griffin: When was the last time you saw your toes?
Peter Griffin: I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.

Books:

How to Survive Old Age (Nonfiction) – Page 155
by Evan Keliher – 2000
Fat people, by all accounts, are supposed to be jolly and fun loving and hence have no business killing themselves.

I’ll Never Have Sex With You Again!: Tales from the Delivery Room (Nonfiction) – Page 146
by Larry Bleidner, Irene Zutell – 2002
He had to have been over four hundred pounds. By the time he walked the fifteen feet to my door, he was panting. I thought to myself, I hope fat people are jolly.

Lucky? (Fiction) – Page 48
by Richard Craig – 2003 – 564 page
Mr Fischer was still in attendance even though Jones himself had left us in the capable hands of Chief Perry Office Weiss, the meanest little person I had ever met. I thought midgets and fat people were supposed to be jolly.

Circles Within Circles (Fiction) – Page 8
by Robert L. Skidmore – 2005 – 264 pages
She tapped the schedule with a pudgy finger to stress her point.
“Thank you,” Gif said, turning towards the closed door, stifling the unkind thought that fat ladies were supposed to be jolly.

This is an incomplete list. If you know of any more “supposed to be jolly” instances, please comment below.

Live Lit

livelit
Reading at Amherst Books, this Friday, 8:00 pm

Live Lit is a Gather Round Children sanctioned event. That means it will be good. Sweet flyer designed by Mike Young and Chris Cheney.

Season 5, Episode 5

darnellTombomdellapace

Episode #5 “Thumbal Regions” (11/7/07): Thomas Bush and Darnell Brisco and special guest Kristen Dellapace. Songs/segments: talking, “Harding Bashing Bonanza,” Tom supports Pepperdine basketball, Peter Pan, “Peter and Tigerlily’s Interracial Relationship Song,” Indian names: Ripping Flesh Wolf Man, cuddle drill, “Manifest Destiny,” “Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Wind?” lick the mic, “You’re A Grand Old Flag,” “In America, It Means Freedom,” “This is Our Land (Take My Money).”

Season 5, Episode 4

darnellTombomelliot

Episode #4 “ The World Will Little Note Nor Long Remember What We Say Here” (11/2/07): Thomas Bush and Darnell Brisco and special guest Elliot Cavale. Song/segments: Why Elliot doesn’t listen to GRC, “Tough Guy Stuff,” Central California, Cassidy call-in, “Best Girlfriend in the West,” “CowwwBop,” Gettysburg Address part two, “Covered in Fur,” over ten minutes on the phone with Elliot’s parents (a daring middle finger in the face of pacing or listeners’ interest), “Don’t Stop Believin,” when I cry. PART ONE, PART TWO

Season 5, Episode 3

Tombomdarnellmatt baker

Episode #3 “Pushing that Big Brother Off Your Chest” (10/27/07): GRC West continues as Thomas Bush and Darnell Brisco invite professional singer Matt Baker into the studio. Song/segments: Matt the farmer, “National Anthem,” coming home, “On the West Coast,” Free Willy, the Gettysburg Address, “On the Road to Nowhere,” “Umbrella-rella,” Thomas Cahoon call-in, “Some People Need,” “Stomp the Studio.”