Invented Statistics #7

Tombom with Thomas Bush

37% of wine glasses in the United States break during their first three months of use. This is 60% accounted for by wine glass companies’ intentional use of brittle glass; the other 40% of breaks occur because nothing makes a point like shattering a wine glass against the wall.

The aforementioned statistic is 45% lower in all European countries due to two main factors: less frequent binge drinking and higher tolerance levels.

1 in 15 flight attendants are remotely attractive; this number is down 86% from the mid-70’s, the golden age of commercial flights and questionable hiring practices.

78% of books are put down and forgotten less than one month after initiated. This is 10% higher than the inefficiency rate of new years resolutions; early indicators suggest that the 10% differential in favor of resolutions comes from the potential for increased “sexiness” in the fulfillment of resolutions whereas the finishing of books has the opposite effect.

90% of water fountains in public schools are either dramatically underpowered or overpowered. 3 out of 4 pharmaceutical company stakeholders cherish this statistic because of increased germ transference and dehydration, both of which lead to increased revenues.

13% of deer hunters wish they could walk away from the activity altogether but stay involved to protect themselves from the accusation, “You’re not a REAL man.”

98% of collectors agree that the ivory from elephant tusks is SO much more valuable than an elephants life. After all, you can always make more elephants.

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3 thoughts on “Invented Statistics #7

  1. Tom says:

    The liberties that you take only cement the fact that distance cannot break our kindred spirit. cheers.

  2. Ebon E. Ivory says:

    Well it’s true. You can make more elephants. The other 2% spend most of the safari crying “Oh this is so unethical…” You can imagine how quickly that gets old.

  3. You said it, Tom. Bring me back the mid-seventies.

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