Invented Statistics #6

dave

with Dave Lemley of “36 Cents For Your Entire Brain

79% of dates designated “In the Year of Our Lord” indicate fictional
historical tales composed by a 17th century Irish traveling minstrel
named Lucky Thumbs Hernandez. A former ombudsman for the Knights
Templar, he is also responsible for 23% of the text of closing
arguments in network legal dramas.

If a car is traveling the speed of light and turns on its headlights,
there is a 43% chance the car alarm will already be going off when it
slows to the speed of sound. But in 99.7% of cases, the driver would
not be able to hear it, because she is traveling at the same speed as
the soundwaves. .3% of drivers would be able to hear it, because of
an unusual phenomenon that speeds up all sound they receive to the
speed of light. These individuals find the Hollywood Bowl a very
disorienting venue. All drivers in this scenario are instantly killed
by airbags, rendering the statistics unprovable. 100% scientists agree.

8% of all facebook groups were created by actor Steve Buscemi. He
obsessively maintains this percentage at all times, often using a
double in public appearances when he is “warned” by his “minifeed
sense” that he must create another group.

1 out of 4 cell phones in the United States are equipped with x-ray
vision, a feature mechanically suppressed by the FCA until 2012.

By the year 2012, 87% of Americans will use x-ray vision to solve
crimes at home, creating a 90% drop in the popularity of police
procedural dramas and a 93% drop in public funding for police
departments. By 2014, David Caruso will have died from obscurity. By
2015, all U.S. cell phones will have their heat vision features
unlocked. By 2018, 79% former public servants will be employed in
Verizon mall kiosks. At that time Verizon will be exclusively selling
a dairy-free frozen confection labeled “The Ice Cream of the Present.”

Every time a North American IP address is identified downloading
music from a questionable foreign mp3 site, Steve Jobs revokes an
angel’s wings.

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11 thoughts on “Invented Statistics #6

  1. Scientists says:

    These all sound highly probable. Attention researchers: consider this blog peer reviewed!

  2. Douggie says:

    Excuse me Mr. Lemlie: Can I cite this as Neurophysioscientist David Lemley? It would really support my paper’s thesis, which is that Steve Buscemi’s true character is identical to the guy he played in Fargo. Thank you!
    Dougie

  3. Stevie B says:

    There’s a “Dave and Douggie Suck Club” on facebook, available for membership… now.

  4. Vixen says:

    I would like to use the caruso comment on my page. It gives HOPE….

  5. Why didn’t you include a post to LTD’s anti-Caruso blog in that last post? She is such a versatile aesthete.

  6. Executive Director Lemley says:

    Douggie, you are welcome to site me as “Neurophysioscientist and Billionaire Playboy Adventurer David Lemley.” (See MLA)

  7. Vixen says:

    I’m still waiting for the maestros approval, I hope i’ll get it….

    Why didn’t you include a post to LTD’s anti-Caruso blog in that last post? She is such a versatile aesthete.

    DO you have a link???? Sounds interesting

  8. I will have to defer to gatherroundchildren.com, the proud new owner of this content.

  9. Hey Vixen, I didn’t realize your first post was a question. Please use our invented statistic! Maybe once it changes hands a couple of times, it will be accepted as conventional wisdom.

  10. Vixen says:

    Thank you, U R Great!!!

  11. Kortneymp says:

    i am gonna show this to my friend, man

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