with Dave Lemley of “36 Cents For Your Entire Brain”
79% of dates designated “In the Year of Our Lord” indicate fictional
historical tales composed by a 17th century Irish traveling minstrel
named Lucky Thumbs Hernandez. A former ombudsman for the Knights
Templar, he is also responsible for 23% of the text of closing
arguments in network legal dramas.
If a car is traveling the speed of light and turns on its headlights,
there is a 43% chance the car alarm will already be going off when it
slows to the speed of sound. But in 99.7% of cases, the driver would
not be able to hear it, because she is traveling at the same speed as
the soundwaves. .3% of drivers would be able to hear it, because of
an unusual phenomenon that speeds up all sound they receive to the
speed of light. These individuals find the Hollywood Bowl a very
disorienting venue. All drivers in this scenario are instantly killed
by airbags, rendering the statistics unprovable. 100% scientists agree.
8% of all facebook groups were created by actor Steve Buscemi. He
obsessively maintains this percentage at all times, often using a
double in public appearances when he is “warned” by his “minifeed
sense” that he must create another group.
1 out of 4 cell phones in the United States are equipped with x-ray
vision, a feature mechanically suppressed by the FCA until 2012.
By the year 2012, 87% of Americans will use x-ray vision to solve
crimes at home, creating a 90% drop in the popularity of police
procedural dramas and a 93% drop in public funding for police
departments. By 2014, David Caruso will have died from obscurity. By
2015, all U.S. cell phones will have their heat vision features
unlocked. By 2018, 79% former public servants will be employed in
Verizon mall kiosks. At that time Verizon will be exclusively selling
a dairy-free frozen confection labeled “The Ice Cream of the Present.”
Every time a North American IP address is identified downloading
music from a questionable foreign mp3 site, Steve Jobs revokes an