Invented Statistics #5

guitar

The average stomach temporarily expands 15% at the mention of dessert.

I could be somewhat familiar with 200 new musicians if I stopped listening to my favorite musicians.

I could meet 200 more acquaintances if I stopped returning calls from my friends and neglected my spouse.

80% of people who employ the “slippery slope” method in arguments (“If we give them food today, won’t they tomorrow come to expect food and break into our homes and murder our spouses to get the food?”) also employ the “that steamed broccoli could have been sent to starving children” to advocate the completion of dinner.

An ironed dress shirt demands 50% respect than an unironed dress shirt.

Demanding respect of another person is 66% more stressful than respecting yourself and hoping that others will follow your lead because, after all, you are a person.

A little boy at a bus stop in Northampton will dangle his feet twice as quickly if there is a homeless woman yelling, to no one in particular, that she should not have to be digging for food in the garbage.

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9 thoughts on “Invented Statistics #5

  1. Gale says:

    Friends are just contacts that you’ve already established but go overboard to maintain.

  2. Dr. Toad says:

    These invented statistics strike me as fabricated.

  3. (hans) says:

    Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance!!!

  4. Therapist Pam says:

    We need to talk about this spousal neglect before it becomes a bigger issue. Please stop by my office anytime on wednesdays from 11 to 12 and bring $300.

  5. so and so says:

    A recent follow up study now shows that an unironed dress shirt can match the respect of an ironed dress shirt with the following criterion:
    1. The unironed dress shirt is is covered in blood and the person wearing it is sweating as if the person had just finished an emergency appendectomy in an elevator.
    2. The unironed dress shirt is the only thing a married woman is wearing while she gets up at night to get a glass of water and saves the whole family from a carbon monoxide disaster.
    3. The unironed dress shirt is worn by Thomas Bush.

  6. Alex Moore says:

    Pam, let me ask you something: Do you even have acquaintances? I mean how many Facebook friends do you even have?? I’ll bet it’s just you and your precious husband and your best friend whom you grew up with! It’s called social networking, try it some time. By the way, this really is Alex Moore.

  7. Gabe says:

    Wow! So and so, Thanks for completing a follow-up study and compiling the results the day I after I released my own findings! Super!

  8. Therapist Pam says:

    The Alex Moore? Wow I never thought I’d have the chance to talk to you. Do you still hang out with that drummer from Biodome 5?

    You know . . . it does sound like you are struggling with some anger management issues. And I think I’m detecting a hint of paranoid schizophrenia. Please stop by my office anytime on friday from 3:30 to 4.

    . . . and bring $500

  9. Therapist Pam says:

    The Alex Moore? Wow I never thought I’d have the chance to talk to you. Do you still hang out with that drummer from Biodome 5?

    You know . . . it does sound like you are struggling with some anger management issues. And I think I’m detecting a hint of paranoid schizophrenia. Please stop by my office anytime on friday from 3:30 to 4.
    . . . and bring $500

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