Who Did It?

guitar

I’m not angry. All I want to know is who did it. I’m freezing all paychecks until the person responsible for leaking to Concerned Mom comes forward.

Now. To all the fans. I know you’re really upset. Let me explain. The following letter is not the one I sent:

August 22, 2007

Team,

Kudos to the marketing department for their recent successes in “catching” week-old infants for the GRC Family. As Freud and teletubbies have shown, infancy is a crucial period in a person’s development. This has huge implications in the global marketplace. Did you know that by the age of three months, the average person has already decided which is his or her cola of choice? Three months!

Lets be frank, here: We are running a business. Our constituency expects us to put personal morals and ethics aside and focus on the BOTTOM LINE. For this reason, we are marketing “Baby… Shut Up,” the first single on GRC Record’s highly anticipated improv album, exclusively towards newborn babies.

Some in accounting raised a fair question: How does a song about chastising a romantic partner have anything to do with infants? Well, for starters, it’s never too early to give kids relationship advice. Better that they learn this stuff from us than from Skinemax and the like.

However, on a more literal level, the chorus of the song promotes infant quietude. No doubt you all know the words: “Baby, shut up / you need to learn how to be in a relationship.” In this new context, the words apply to the baby’s relationship to mankind: don’t cry so damn much. As for the verses—Well, to be honest, I don’t listen to the verses in songs, I just talk or write an email or make 5k for our investors and then sing along when the chorus rolls around.

We’ve struck a distribution deal with most of the major hospitals to sell “GRC: The Best of Improv” in maternity wards across the nation! In addition, the doctors themselves will push the album on parents as a “newborn package,” the implication being that you are an awful parent unless you buy the album for your kids.

I guess what I’m saying is: if there was ever a time to buy more stock in GRC, it’s now. We’re taking this thing into the stratosphere.

Gabe Durham
CEO, Gather Round Records

The one I sent around GRC was this:

August 22, 2007

Team,

Kudos to the marketing department for their recent successes.

Lets be frank, here: We are running a business. Our constituency expects us to put “Baby… Shut Up,” the first single on GRC Record’s highly anticipated improv album.

it’s never too early to give relationship advice. Better that they learn this stuff.

However, the song promotes this new context to mankind: I write an email.

We’ve struck a distribution deal across the nation! In addition, you are a parent for your kids.

I guess what I’m saying is: We’re taking this thing into the stratosphere.

Gabe Durham
CEO, Gather Round Records

You see how much they added to my original letter to make us sound like a heartless corporation? If I’ve committed a crime, it’s leaving a few grammar mistakes here and there. Everybody knows GRC exists for the fans. We’re as heartful as they come! Appreciating you support,

Gabe

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