Invented Statistics #4 – Technology

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Once Google Books has every published book on its database, proof will exist that 97% of everything anyone writes is cliché. The other 3% is likely gibberish, like when you mash your hands over the keyboard. By 2020, a truly original poem will look like “erooooh;43a 09999;onygai;;= / -09i-t4-q[despair4q38tio / fvkngvtormentte4ha38 / 904yp08q”.

Thanks to the internet, only 9% of the 1-900 numbers that existed in 1993 are still around today.

By 2034, the computer will be able to feel 13% more love than the average human and only 17 American orators will be able to deliver a more stirring speech than a computer.

18% of all jury members wonder at some point in the trial why they don’t just send CSI in there to solve the damn thing.

If the US government promised free iPod Nanos to all forty-year-old women who had only birthed one or zero babies, the population increase would be slowed by 4,000 babies per year. (Stipulation: If one of these women has a baby after receiving her free iPod Nano, the government should compliment her on her miracle and confiscate her iPod Nano or tax her for the going eBay rate.)

96% percent of all remembered birthdays are the result of facebook.com reminders.

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3 thoughts on “Invented Statistics #4 – Technology

  1. Michael Ocean says:

    Hahaha… I get iPod, he get iPod Mini. Everyone knows it for girls!

  2. GRC, Inc. says:

    Gentlemen,

    We at Genuine Rotisserie Children offer a range of soy-alternatives for the discerning palate. While we appreciate your attempts to better represent the content of your site, certain obvious comparisons will require legal action if you do not cease and desist from using the new slogan and designation. Our lawyers will contact you in 48 hours.

    Frank Smettingly
    Supervising Legal Counsel and Head Taster (Meaning I am chief of tasters, not the other thing)
    Genuine Rotisserie Children, Inc.
    “GRC: It Isn’t Made with Real Children”

  3. Gary Ronald Coleman, Copyright says:

    To Whom It May Concern:

    References to my name, initials, or varied hilarious catch phrases may not be used for the purpose of promoting informational or entertainment media without my expressed permission. If you think I’m going to let this pass just because “any press is good press,” all I can say is, “watchuspeakin’ ’bout, Dewayne?”

    Expect to regret this.

    Gary Ronald Coleman
    (Not to be confused with Gary Wayne Coleman, copyright)
    Star and Executive Producer, “Different S’rokes: It Isn’t Made with Real Children”

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