Invented Statistics #2

alex with trustworthy statistician Alex Moore

After driving in LA for 10 years, the average Los Angeles driver has a 74% chance of being an asshole.

It is a myth that cats have 9 lives. The average American cat only has 6.3 live. European cats have 5.7 (smokers), and African cats have 1.3 due to a rampant strain of cat AIDS.

The average aspiring musician has a 1/100,000 chance of making it big and considers herself roughly 3x more talented than she really is.

12% of the American Idol auditioners who are cut would have made the show if only they weren’t so ugly and boring. The other 88% are ugly, boring, and untalented (tough break).

The average Taco Bell meal has a 1/10,000,000 chance of containing e coli or mad cow disease. It also has a 1/3 chance of giving you diarrhea.

65% of all text messages are sent by teenage/young adult girls. 20% of all text messages are sent by t./y.a. guys who feel the need to send witty replies to said girls. The remaining 15% are sent by the aliens who are observing/messing with us, probably from the moon.

Over a lifetime, the average person spends a total of 20 days picking his nose.  He spends another 30 days being suspicious of everyone around him who may have seen the pick and judged him for it.  Also, he spends 1 day completely embarrassed by the fact that he was caught in the pick by an unknown bystander.

The average cubicle dweller has a lot of free time to think. Here is the frequency of some of the more “normal” thoughts per day:  
– Male: Getting some at work (preferably on boss’ desk) – 23x
– Potential ways to increase current level of badassness – 18x
– Female: Getting some at work (preferably with hunky maintenance worker) – 13x
– Sizing up coworkers and feeling like a stud because they are ugly/stupid or feeling like a dud because they are prettier/smarter – 62x
– Buying new shoes – 8x

Some genius somewhere found that on average you eat 10 spiders and who knows how many other bugs while sleeping. Ever wonder what else you do while sleeping? Here is the frequency of some of the more “normal” activities per lifetime:
– Dream of falling off a cliff – 160x
– Dream of being Freddy Mercury – 15x
– Sleepwalk – 74x
– Sleep-dance pretending to be Freddy Mercury – 7x
– Mumble/yell in your sleep – 4340x
– Talk coherently in your sleep – 1205x
– Sing Queen’s “Somebody to Love” in its entirety – 5x
– Dream of getting some with Christian Bale (women) or Heidi Klum (male) – never often enough
– Dream of getting some with that ugly coworker you hate – far, far too often

One thought on “Invented Statistics #2

  1. Joseph Smith says:

    my cat doesnt need 9 lives, cause he’d rather be in heaven with the true believers, his 7 cat wives, and freddy mercury anyway

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