Invented Statistics

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New series by Gabe Durham

A motorist on the freeway, after changing her iPod from Belle and Sebastian to Tupac, will increase her speed by an average of 10 mph and her heart rate by an average of 5 bpm.

The average pen has 40% ink remaining when discarded.

After ten years of driving, the average American is called an asshole 1,040 times.

God pays 80% of his attention to the poor. 

After ten years of driving in Los Angeles, the average Californian is called an asshole 15,600 times.

There are three breeds of dogs who can actually smell sarcasm.

The average American would have to be told of four tragic American deaths or 32 tragic Iraqi deaths to negate the pleasure he gets from one bowl of chocolate ice cream.

One in four young adults reports having given up on her dreams because of a loved one’s remark(s).

The average public restroom toilet gets 15x more use than the average private bathroom toilet.

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3 thoughts on “Invented Statistics

  1. Those who are super-pissed that Alex’s comments are gone will be delighted to see that he’s gotten his own spin-off post.

  2. Tony says:

    I swear that when I’m watching Three Stooges, Mr. Bones leaves the room. But when I flip to Dennis Miller, he comes back every time! For a beagle, he’s got a pretty dry wit. It’s not so much about his sense of smell, but about his ear for a sharp turn of phrase.

  3. Margaret says:

    I drive five miles under the speed limit at all times. Nobody calls me nothin on account of that I drive too respectably.

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