Monthly Archives: April 2007

Invented Statistics


New series by Gabe Durham

A motorist on the freeway, after changing her iPod from Belle and Sebastian to Tupac, will increase her speed by an average of 10 mph and her heart rate by an average of 5 bpm.

The average pen has 40% ink remaining when discarded.

After ten years of driving, the average American is called an asshole 1,040 times.

God pays 80% of his attention to the poor. 

After ten years of driving in Los Angeles, the average Californian is called an asshole 15,600 times.

There are three breeds of dogs who can actually smell sarcasm.

The average American would have to be told of four tragic American deaths or 32 tragic Iraqi deaths to negate the pleasure he gets from one bowl of chocolate ice cream.

One in four young adults reports having given up on her dreams because of a loved one’s remark(s).

The average public restroom toilet gets 15x more use than the average private bathroom toilet.

From the Archives, Part IV


We hope you dear listener’s have enjoyed the April “From the Archives” series that you were clamoring for. “I commute six hours a day,” one whiny listener said. “What am I supposed to do… listen to NPR the whole time?” No way, friend, those guys don’t even know when to yell. And when you still run out of episodes, we invite you to take the “GRC Watch Every Episode Twice Challenge”. And don’t just watch the parts of our show where Darnell’s shirt is off.

Season 1, Episode #11 “They Think They’re the Stuff But They’re Not” (Fall 2005): Returning special guest Brittany Kay shows up for some serious singalongsFeaturing two mess-up versions and one amazing version of “It May Be at Morn,” “And I’m Lonely,” “Polar Bear Man,” “The Lover’s Serenade,” “Dance Machine,” “My Humps (over David Gray beat),” “Demons,” “You Suck Suck Suckers”.

Season 3, Episode 9 – Season Finale

grc hostsfaris

Episode #9 “Spare a Bruise, the Child Will Lose” (4/23/07):  Featuring singer/guitarist/RD/percussionist Christopher Faris. Songs/segments include “Cliffhanger Song/Pick a Number,” Awards Bragging, “Finale,” “We Won (No One Else Won),” Smokey McGee, “GRC Shirtless,” breathed art, GRC East vs. West, “Spare a Bruise,” “God’s Backhand,” “O Want to See Him,” Faris interviews Tom about his love life, world premiere of Faris and Shantilli’s smash hit, interview part 2, “She’s Just A Little Thing,” epic version of “The Times That We’ve Had”.

Big Night For the Gather Round Children Show


Last night, GRC swept the KWVS 101.5 Music Awards:

Best Talk DJ – The Gather Round Children Show 

Best Personality*– Darnell Brisco

Sweetest Smile* – Gabe Durham

Best Dressed* – Thomas Bush

Best Special Guest* – Mark Wilkins

We didn’t have as much time for shout-outs as we would have liked, so here they are now. Thanks to all the fans for recognizing that what we do is really important. We absolutely could still do it without you, but it’s fun to dump callers and occasionally nice to know that we make a difference. Thanks to our many special guests… sorry you didn’t ALL win the coveted Best Special Guest Award, but it’s something to keep your eye on for next year. Thanks to all our Mamsies. Biggie Smalls, I know you were smiling down on us last night.  Finally, big thanks to the show that Gather Round, Children has tried to emulate: The Today Show with Matt Lauer.

* These awards were given to individual members of GRC by other members of GRC. Don’t judge. It’s just the Oscars on a smaller scale. But the first award, that one is completely legit. It’s on a plaque. Look it up.


From the Archives, Part III


The citizens of the nation of Georgia have been bugging us for weeks. So here it is: the Heidi episode of GRC.

Season 2, Episode #2 “Simon” (Spring 2006): Special guest Heidi Laki. Featuring the Great Computer Crash, Al Gore DVD, “I Want to Spend More Time With You,” Tough Stuff, Simon, “Take My Money,” Simon II, Sam Jones’ Sermons, “Goodnight Song”.

Season 3, Episode 8



Episode #8 “Make the Dough” (4/16/07):  Featuring singer/future graduation speaker Christine Yi. Songs/segments include “Everybody Wins” (teaser), “When the Moonshines,” Concerned Mom, America, the Fugees’ “Killing Me Softly,” “Be Thou My Vision,” world premiere of Darnell’s Won by One hit, “Secret,” Outkast’s “Hey Ya,” Etta James’ “At Last (loose interpretation)/Take My Money,” graduating/caller, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boys II Men. Part One, Part Two

Concerning the So-Called “Gather ‘Round Children!” (Not to Be Confused With “Gather Round, Children” – the OG, the Real Deal)


I saw the “Concerned Mom” post Friday afternoon. Hoping to find someone saying something nice and true about my Modest Mouse review, I instead found this:

“I don’t think you have the guts to do it. I don’t think you know how to start a website. I don’t think your OLD fingers know how to conduct a website.”
– Gabe Durham, “From Russia With Lust”
There’s a new GRC in town, suckers.

Part of me wanted to write a big post about how angry and hurt and attractive I was. But then, I realized that if I made a big deal of this, Concerned Mom would win. “Just enjoy your weekend,” I said to myself. It didn’t work. Concerned Mom poisoned my weekend with her slander.

Instead, I’ve just got a brief rebuttal about the nature of web site names: They’re like band names. Totally meaningless. Gather Round, Children isn’t about children any more than its about hunter/gatherers or circles. It’s just the hilarious intersection of some words. It’s fun! We’re just having a FUN TIME. And if certain “bees” can’t appreciate that then those “britches” can soak their DUMB heads. If I was in a bluegrass band called “Gather Round Children,” you think anybody would care? No. Bad example. Bluegrass is wholesome. If I was in a skinhead band called “Gather Round, Children,” you think anybody would care what the name is? No, no, no. They would just fear me. That’s a bad example too because I have seen “American History X” and I am way more like Edward Norton post-change of heart than Edward Norton pre-change of heart and also I have luscious tussles of hair that I would be miffed to part with, to say the least! But we are not talking about hair, we are talking about ladies who don’t even tell us what their REAL NAMES are! Shall we allow her to tristle us like this? No, my compatriots, and again I say no! We must rise up against this woman with her fancy LiveJournal site and its MANY bells and its occasional whistles and we must fight! I urge our loyal GRC constituency to take up arms against the Great Satan, and by take up arms I mean post angry semi-coherent comments on her site and listen to our radio show tonight where we will talk all kinds of trash about her unless we book Christine Yi because then we’ll probably just focus on getting her to sing as much as possible. But what shall she sing about, brothers and sisters? Perhaps she shall sing Fugees but perhaps she shall sing Freedom! Perhaps she shall sing Revolution! In this way we will shame the six-eyed dragon that is Concerned Mom and perhaps put off the End Times a squeenchy bit longer.

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From the Archives, Part II

guitarTombomclay n ashley

A previously unreleased episode every week in April. This week: One of the best episodes from Season One:

Season 1, Episode #9 “Robot From Robot Island” (Fall 2005): Special guests makeup artist Ashley Rushford and musician Clay Cogman. Featuring Stone Temple Pilots’ “Interstate Love Song,” TMNTs and poseurs, Tough Stuff, Jesse Jackson call-in, Dylan’s “Tangled Up in Blue,” Gabe’s Fireside Chat, “Take My Money,” “Robot Island,” “Children Get Away From Your Mother,” encore: “Having A Good Time”. Part OnePart Two

Season 3, Episode 7


darnellMatt H

Episode #7 “Count Your Many Sins” (4/9/07):  Featuring mathimusician Matt Highfield of Aria Decline fame. Songs/segments include Pizza at a Math Picnic, GRC Mail Bag, “I’ve Just Seen a Face” by the Beatles, “Count Your Sins/Count Your Blessings,” yet another Acappella song, the first 100 digits of Pi, “Pick a Number,” A Country Song by Colin Ray (“I Read a Note…”), Fight Club Presents, “3×5/Because of the Internet I Feel Like I’ve Been Everywhere” by John Mayer, a preview of Darnell’s “Secret,” “Nothing (What Do You Get?),” “Give Us Bananas/And You’ll Like It/ Intervention” last part by the Arcade Fire, legitimate caller, “Last Train Ride Home,” encore: “The House That Guilt Built” by the Wrens.

Everybody Wins (new version)


A country song…with chords! Now the whole family can gather round while pop strums using the few chords he still remembers. Capo 3 for low Johnny Cash-style singing.

I seen my elders at the slots
C                            G
A glaze upon their faces,
I seen a husky fellow shot
O’er dusty beer-stained aces.
I seen a healthy romance broke
on a children’s game of war
I seen a lady get a stroke
C                       G
Upon the bingo floor.
The Vegas nights are quite a show
I best not be begrudging
The sin-struck glow’s enough
to keep e’en Ol’ Peter from judging
But while you carpe noche
Heed this and never doubt:
A loser among winners is
A loser down and out.

You may pit reds versus blacks
C                         G
On hasty roulette spins
F                                              D
My crew, we’ll stick to craps where everybody loses…
G                             C                         G                                 D
Or everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.

I knew a pudgy whelp
With his belly full of stuffing.
The first words that he spoke:
“Pop, ya scratch your neck when bluffing.”
This card shark with a knack for hold ‘em
Weekly milked his friends
Till they flopped him in the river
At the turn he met his end.

A puny man sips his wine
Stares at the Keno screen
The numbers all in line
Yet his victory goes unseen.
Me, I never cared from whence
The lonely people came
I tell em, “Boy, you got no sense,
You picked a lonely game.”

I’m no fan-tan of your pai-gow,
Like your ancestor defends
My crew, we’ll stick to craps where everybody loses…
or everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.

One night we were shooting clean
Making green on easy eights
The dealer’s name was Loose-Deuce Nina
The stickman, Boxcar Jake
The house was losing big, it’s true
But who was gonna blame us
We won enough come bets that night
Not even Nina could tame us.

You’ll buy a stack of blackjack books
Destined for garbage bins
My crew, we’ll stick to craps where everybody loses…
or everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.

Another time after each point
There were sevens coming hot
My boys, we learned the hard way:
Our night it was not.
A smoking drifter joined us
Won a sum on the “don’t pass”
We tipped our hats congrats
And then we kindly kicked his ass.

You’ll find us front pew Sundays
Confessing all our sins
Come Saturday night we’re back where everybody loses…
G                             C                         G                                 D
or everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins
G                        C                         G                          D                     G.
everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.