Monthly Archives: February 2007

The Dashboard Melted But We Still Have the Radio

guitarI just wanted to share some enlightening stats. There is a section on wordpress called “Dashboard: blog stats” where I get to see what searches led people to my site. Here’s the stats from the past couple of days (updated 3/1/07)

Search Engine Terms
These are terms people used to find your blog.

Today

life struggles 1
the crazy housewife 1
children’s shows “Gather ‘Round” 1
craziest stalkers 1
world’s craziest stalkers 1
animal abuse stupid rebuttals 1

Yesterday

gabe durham 3
i don,t want to die 1
biodome words 1
“Mr. Lemons” Glen Phillips 1
sexy children 1
mason jennings shirtless 1

I love the internet and its potential for creepin on everybody. What worries me is that a “sexy children” search led someone to my site. If the FBI didn’t have a file on us before, they for sure will now.

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Break Out Your Phony-Head Detectors: Season 3 of the GRC Show is Here

 Tombomguitardarnell

Good news, fans. “Gather Round, Children,” America’s popular radio variety show is back on the air. We at GRC recognize that many of our listeners are busy, important executives who don’t have time to tune into KWVS-LP Malibu every Monday night at 8:00, so we’re bringing it to you via the world (wide) web to listen to any time–literally ANY time–you want.

Episode #1 “Mexican Prison” (2/19/07): Gabe and Darnell catch the audience up on our goings-on and explain away Tom’s absence. (“She’s Just A Little Thing,” Morality Stories, “Last Train Ride”) Part One, Part Two 

Ten Ideas for Morality Stories Intended to Edify as Well as Entertain

guitar

1. DRAMA: A man with an insatiable lust for murder sublimates his sociopath side by becoming an exterminator. (Potential Title: “The Exterminator”)

2. ACTION/ADVENTURE: A boxer with an insatiable lust for victory doesn’t seem to have a chance, but she trains harder than the competition because she wants it more, and, against all odds becomes an American Champion. (Potential Title: “The American Champion”)

3. COMEDY: A man with an insatiable lust for pain marries an American Champion boxer at the top of her game, banking on the hope that she will want to knock him around a little. But his gal packs a little more punch than he bargained for. (Potential Title: “Baby, One More Time”)

4. ACTION/ADVENTURE: An exterminator with an insatiable lust for murder meets an American Champion boxer who is realizing that she has lost the edge that made her the American Champion that she is. He sublimates his sociopath side by channeling his “killer instinct” into being a trainer. (Potential Title: “The American Champion II: Killer Instinct”)

5. DRAMA: A boxing trainer with an insatiable lust for murder gets drunk one night and “falls off the wagon,” as it were, brutally murdering 16 members of the Society for Men and Women With an Insatiable Lust For Pain (SFMAWWAILFP). Only one society member survives, who happens to be married to the same boxer whom the murderer trains. The Survivor begins to visit the Murderer in prison and they have a touching relationship. (Potential Title: “Tuesdays With Morir”)

6. DRAMA or COMEDY: A death row inmate with an insatiable lust for murder rediscovers his lost love of bug extermination when a cockroach infestation breaks out in the prison. The warden is so impressed that he releases the murderer on good behavior. (Potential Serious Title: “A Place to Die,” Potential Lighthearted Title: “What Bugs Me About Prison”)

7. EROTIC DRAMA: A hard-hearted warden with an insatiable lust for order rediscovers love when he clashes with a fiery, free-spirited young attorney who disagrees with his arbitrary and illegal decision to release a convicted killer. The warden and the attorney soon realize that far more dangerous than the release of a convicted killer is the danger of a heart unused. (Potential Title: “A Heart Unused”)

8. SCI-FI DRAMA: A fiery, free-spirited young attorney with an insatiable lust for justice and her sex-crazed warden boyfriend must choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy when a doctor’s new technology gives them a 70% chance that their child will grow up to become a murderer. They decide to have the baby, technology be damned. (Potential Title: “Technology Be Damned”)

9. ACTION/ADVENTURE: An ex-con with an insatiable lust for murder, trying to make an honest living as an exterminator, is approached by an ex-American Champion boxer who has lost her “killer instinct”. He agrees to train her. She regains her “killer instinct” and her title as American Champion. (Potential Title: “The American Champion III: Brand New Bag”)

10. DARK COMEDY: A boxing trainer with an insatiable lust for murder has his insatiable lust for murder reawakened by helping a boxer become an American Champion. He gets drunk one night with the boxer and her masochistic husband and runs down a young boy who was riding his bicycle. The boxing trainer and the boxer are overcome with grief until the police search the dead boy’s backpack: they find weapons and a diary in which the young boy states his plans for murdering his own parents, a prison warden and a lawyer. When the parents arrive on the scene, they are told about their dead son’s evil plans. The mother remarks, “When you go up against science, you lose every time,” to which the murderer quips, “Not when you got guys like me on the loose!” End in tableau just as the parents, the murderer, the American Champion, the masochist and the surrounding police begin a long, hardy laugh. (Potential Title: “Right Place For the Right Crime”)

Winner’s Club for Fight Club

guitarThe title comes from the name of a skit from the “Fight Club Presents” days. The premise was: Brent, Dave and I got up in front of everyone and gloated about our happy, stable love lives. Come to think of it, it wasn’t so much a skit as a public forum for gloating. Nothing like Gather Round, Children.

On an unrelated note, I, Gabe Durham, have won the presigious “36 Cents For Your Entire Brain Astronaut Haiku Contest“!!! A $5 portion of rabbits was given, in MY name, to some people who need rabbits. Awesome! I couldn’t have done it without the help of that crazy astronaut lady and her fit of jealous rage. Thanks lady! I am the best! I am the Robert Frost of my generation! Listen to this new one, “On Winning a Really Important Contest”:

A road split into two roads

A most uncommon instance

I took the road most glorious

And it made all the difference!

The Reviews Are Flooding In

For the Beasties in the Burroughs, For the Beatles in Britain

“Nice job on the mash-up! Actually it’s funny, I’ve always hated that word – mashup. It really is just another mix choice. So nice remix choice!”
Charles from the Wrens, referring to track 10 on the new album

“Very cool! It’s my first mashup. I’m honored.”
– Glen Phillips, referring to track 9

“There’s something just so interstellar about this song… it’s hypnotic. Bravo!”
– Michael Ocean, referring to track 2  

“Although your dizzying capacity for complex mashterpieces always astounds, I am quite taken by the simplicity and perfection of Root Down. Good work, yo.”
– Dave Lemley, referring to track 6

The Truth is Tough Sometimes but DEAL WITH IT

guitarDid I ever tell you about the Beatles? Yeah. They were this band in the sixties where everybody all of a sudden jumped on this bandwagon. And they were like, “The Beatles are the greatest band of all time” and everybody else believed it, but nobody actually liked them. Like when they listened to the Beatles, it didn’t even elevate their mood. They just listened to them to fit in. They were so stupid and conformist. It was nothing like Slayer which is good music. Anyway, they just listened to the Beatles all the time. And they listened to these songs where some of them were trying to be really sad, like, “Yesterdaaaaay…” and “I look at all the lonely people…” but most of the time they were like, “She loves you yeah yeah yeah / All you need is love / La la la lala la” and it’s so stupid and AS IF the world even works like that: All you need is love? What about friggin money? Hey. No, wait. Not materialism but like. Money to buy food? And! Water. What about money to buy Aquafina? So that’s stupid. Wait. Did I ever tell you about the Nazi that walks the streets of Malibu? It’s crazy, right, because everybody knows that anti-Semitism is so 1943 BUT he goes around with his Swastika patches on his… person. And he talks all kinds of crap and what he does is, he actually doesn’t talk bad about Jews, he just talks bad about movies. And he says, “All the modern movies are so stupid and they’re so commercial and they’re so predictable.” And what he’s doing is, he’s trying to take down the Jewish movie empire when actually, what everybody knows is: movies are really, really good. So it turns out that this guy is a Nazi and what I said a second ago about him wearing a Swastika, I meant it as a metaphor because he doesn’t actually do that and he’s not actually German but still, what I mean is, that: he hates Jewish people because he hates movies and he only watches indie movies and everybody knows that Jewish people don’t even make indie movies so it’s a real tragedy and I hope that somebody shoots him before he takes down Hollywood. He’s probably the guy that set fire to Malibu the other day. Sorry sicko, your plan failed BIG TIME. And so yeah. Everybody said that the Beatles were so great and they were writing these nice reviews about them BUT THEN the Beatles started doing drugs and everybody was like, “Oh it’s so cool that they’re doing drugs, their music’s getting ever better.” And now… all these people are trying to be cool and—keep in mind—no one even REALLY likes them, nobody even enjoys listening to them, but then some people were like, “Their early stuff is kind of lame but then when they started doin drugs they got really good” and I’m like, “Grow UP. That is so stupid.” And so the moral of the story is: Don’t do f***ing drugs cause it’s so stupid and if you think that it’s good then you’re just falling into the same trap as everybody who pretends to like the Beatles.

Meeting the Bare Minimum of Others’ Expectations

TombomPeople warn you, “When you graduate, you’ll have to start shaving everyday!” You probably cringe at the sickening thought.. you picture yourself an old man, standing in front of a foggy mirror, faded old towel wrapped around you, bleeding from your $2 Bic razor.. every single day..I was scared too!.. until I discovered the Monday, Wednesday plan. It’s wonderful! All you have to do is shave well Monday morning, then if by chance someone calls you out on Tuesday for an excessive 5 o’clock shadow, just smile, wink, then as you’re walking away, tell them your electric isn’t getting the job done these days. Same goes for Wed / Thr.. then by Friday, you’re allowed to go to work with a little beard b/c it’s casual Friday. Problem solved. And you didn’t hear it from me, but the same rule applies to showering.

At this point, the girls who are snooping in will be fuming with protest and disgust over such a statement; do not be fooled men. Women have been using this rule forever but brush off any responsibility for their foulness with claims such as, “well I’m a girl and it’s different” or “I use baby powder..”

Great, now it’s out in the open and we can stop pretending. Seriously though, I don’t live that way because its sick, but I know so many people that really do.

– Tom Bush

Tagged

What Engagement Means to Thomas: A Rebuttal

TombomOut of the cave I come – sooddle up the hoorses little poople, we must rood to foot Goob’s lies!!

I have 7 refutes to argrorant against Gabe’s malicious tirade. From the fartherest westest point, everyone can see that he’s not actually engaged- yes friends, here me out and silence your jabby-lolliking. Have we not been led into the lion’s den before?! I dare not say we haven’t. Not more than a fortnight’s fortnight ago, we were led to believe that our firstborn’s were a reasonable concession in exchange for equal suffrage. And NOW!?! I want my baby back. He tristled us once, shant we allow it again? I hear you challenging “How do YOU know?” Well, once every hundred thousand years a fairy is born and if you don’t believe in the fairy, then she will die. Your unfounded pessimism has already nearly extintified all of the fairies, will you now kill off my lone voice of reason? If you don’t believe me, then spend an afternoon actually looking for fairies.

Even if he was engaged, which is doubtful, would it be with me? NO.. so I hope he doesn’t ask. Seriously, I don’t even want him to try. I already have 43 rings from equal if not superior suitors, so I don’t NEED him. He may thinksies that I need him, but really HE WISHES..hahahaha.

My third point is that when Liz said yes, OH SHT.. I mean if some girl actually was around Gabe and confused his engagement question with “wouldn’t you be happier if I wasn’t here?” then of course she would say yes. I don’t mean to dishonor Gabe, but everyone knows that these days, singlehood is all the rage.

Quiz: Parties, and I mean real parties, happen when what group of people throw them? Singles.. and why? Because we, the good-people, have learned that nothing, including our property and future cleanliness, is as important as having a good time right here and now! Who’s with me!?! I’m not going to let some financial or moral “responsibility” (as they call it, I call it lame) get in the way of me buying more Natty Ice or only finding girls with a similar “condition”. Back to my point!! Gabe’s not right about single people being dumb dumbs.

I have lots of fun, and I’m single! Really it’s true, I wish everyone could see that so I’d have people to chill with on the weekend. I mean guys, think about it, would you have ever, EVER, been able to play through Final Fantasy VII if you weren’t single at the time? Girls, would you EVER be able to get away with eating Tofu and spouting off animal cruelty lines if you weren’t single at the time? No way. My points have been made. Hopefully as I have poured delicious concrete on your heart, you will let it settle in and harden with truth.
– Tom Bush

Tagged

Fireside Chat #24

guitarWhat Engagement Means To Me

I feel so grateful for the holy bond of wedlock for which I am preparing to embark.

Tough to say when I feel the most grateful. Perhaps it is when I look into my love’s eyes. Perhaps it is the assurance that I will not have to face life’s struggles alone. Yet in my heart, I feel the greatest surge of appreciation when I consider the many people who will never find love such as this. For it is only when we contemplate the less fortunate that we can truly feel good about ourselves.

Love, my friends, is an exclusive club, and you have to have the right denominations to bribe the bouncer. It takes a heart for others (check), the ability to get in touch with one’s feelings (check), the ability to put another person’s needs above your own (optional), physical attractiveness (double check) and a sweet ride with which you can pull up to her house and rev the engine, thus announcing that you intend to pick her up for your date without meeting her parents (more of a high school thing, but check).

There were moments there in the last 23 years when I wondered, “Will I have what it takes to make a marriage work?” But when I stopped Liz in the middle of the Sizzler parking lot last Saturday night, busted out that fatty rock and said, “See anything you like?” I knew from the relative brevity of her hesitation that yeah, baby, I’ve got it.

Once you’re in the engaged club, life is sweet. Engaged/married couples are inviting us to dinner, dancing, swingers’ parties (“No thanks, but I like being asked, and actually, can I hang on to this number in case my morals become a little more flexible?”), movies, yacht races, tyrant hangings—and we’re loving it. Couples who never used to give us the time of day are calling us nonstop, saying, “Please know that the time is currently 3:40 pm.” They do it so much, I stopped wearing a watch.

Also, I don’t have to be careful not to flirt with other girls because they know I’m off the market. “Congrats, you hunk of man!” female friends and co-workers will tell me. Then, while we’re hugging they’ll notice that my back is tense and offer to work out a couple of knots, and I’ll say, “Sure you don’t mind?” And it’s not a gray area because I’m engaged! Awesome!

I’m told that being engaged is a lot of work, but so far my status only serves as the ultimate excuse not to do work, as in, “I’d love to file these I-9 forms, but I’m a little engaged right now.”

The pathetic fact remains that there are still a lot of people who are not engaged/married, and these people are, by nature, very sad. When one of these people congratulates me on my good news, I smile, nod, and say, “Listen here: It’ll happen to you too. But you have to let it happen on its own time.” Of course, this is not necessarily true, but it’s very nice of me to say it.

Then I pat them on the head or give them a side hug and add, “I want you to know that my engagement won’t change our friendship.” That part is a flat-out lie. Truth is, I’ve been planning to shed these friends for months now. I kept them around this long in case getting engaged wasn’t the instant popularity ticket I suspected it would be. But it was.