Did I ever tell you about that rollercoaster that kills people? Oh man, it’s crazy! People get on, and it’s pretty fun, there’s loops and stuff, but then at the end it ejects you into the mouth of this giant mechanical gorilla and he chews you up and you die! It’s crazy, because it has been around for years, and people still get on and die!
One time I was at the amusement park where the rollercoaster is, standing right at the entrance of the rollercoaster, and this guy was about to get on. I was like, “Boy, mister! You sure are crazy! This is the rollercoaster that kills people!”
Just then some people flew overhead into the gorilla mouth. “Tasty!” said the gorilla as he mashed their bones. He always says something.
Anyways, the guy was like, “No way, son. That gorilla isn’t gonna get me. I’ve got a system.”
“What’s that?” I asked him.
“See these bananas?” he said. “I think he’ll let me live when he see these. They’re good bananas.” I admitted that they did look like good bananas.
So he got on with his bananas, but he died like all the rest. “Extra tasty!” said the gorilla.
Then this other lady came up to the entrance, and she was about to get on. I said to her, “What are you doin, lady? Didn’t you see that guy? He had bananas, and he still died!”
“No, no,” she said. “I’ll be okay. You see these babies?” She flashed a roll of hundred dollar bills in my face. “He’ll let me live when he sees these. Everyone has a price.”
So she got on with her money, but she died like all the rest. “Yummy,” said the gorilla, “but a little rich!”
Then this other guy came to get on the rollercoaster, and he was old, like 80. “Didn’t you see that lady?” I asked him. “She had lots of money, and she still died!”
“Don’t you worry about me, boy,” he said. “I’ve been around a little longer than you.”
So he got on with his experience, but he died like all the rest. “Chewy!” said the gorilla.
That was kind of a sad day. Man, those people sure were stupid, huh? Well, I have a little confession to make… There is no rollercoaster that kills people. Ha ha ha! I made it up! You should’ve known that that sort of thing would never be legal in this country! Maybe Mexico, but not here. But wait. In a way, there is a Rollercoaster That Kills People. One that many of you ride every day. It’s called cigarettes.