Celebrity-Stalking, Part 3: Slow and Steady Wins the Chase
I read a disturbing statistic—it’s on Wikipedia, so you know it’s true—Only 20% of stalkers are women. What? Come on ladies, do your part. I was already tailoring this series to the fraught female homespouses (my catchy replacement for the now-cliché “desperate housewives,” tell your friends), but now I’m tempted to dissuade male would-be stalkers so the gals can have a go at this growing career.
That’s right—career. You didn’t think you’d be doing this pro bono, did you? Some people may tell you it’s somehow more “authentic” to stalk only out of the perversion in your heart, but I’m of the emerging school of stalking scholars that will tell you that if you’re serious, make sure to get paid.
Veterans get corporate sponsorship from the start, while beginners need to pay their dues. If this is your first time, ask around the community: Local restaurateurs are a good shot, especially up-and-comers whose Wall of Fame boasts only Pauly Shore and Richard Kiel. Call around twenty places—one of them will bite. If they’re new to this kind of sponsorship, you can talk them through the following progression:
Stage One: Letters
Send a series of increasingly fanatical letters to your celeb, always under a false name. Use Eminem’s “Stan” as your template. First, come off as really respectful. Talk about the movies he was in, which was your favorite, and why. At the letter’s climax, subtly allude to a deeper obsession just beneath the surface like, “Christian Bale, you’ve opened the gates and seized my heart. I’m as sure that we should be together as I am that Howdy’s has the tastiest burrito in town.”
To which he’ll say, “I don’t know about the ‘we should be together’ part, but a burrito sure would hit the spot.”
If he writes back, take it as a sign that you have a good chance of getting married and having dozens of his children, and reply suggesting just that. If he doesn’t reply, send an angry note threatening not to have his children: “Perhaps I shall die as barren as Howdy’s nacho platter is tasty.” That’ll confuse him. Maybe even make him think that fathering the child of an obsessed fan was what he always wanted.
Stage Two: The Phone
Find his personal phone number. He’ll probably be unlisted, but there are plenty of people you can pay to get you this kind of info. Call it a couple of times, and, when he answers, hang up. After a couple of those, ask him if he recognizes your voice, even if he couldn’t possibly. Don’t try to get him talking yet, just offer a quick, “Eat at Howdy’s” before hanging up.
Stage Three: In Person
Try to run into him around town. Another advantage of local sponsorship is that if you’ve been doing your job right, he should be a regular at Howdy’s by now. So you head over to Howdy’s (maybe they’ll even feed you), and you wait. It’s the hardest part, I know, but you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have time to kill. When he shows up, make sure that the establishment you’re endorsing gets their autographed photo or whatever, then approach him.
Stage Four: The End…?
What happens next is up to you, lunatic. I got you to this moment, but I can’t tell you what to say. I will remind you that it’s absolutely unacceptable to murder the celebrity you’re creeping on. I said it once, I’ve got no truck with stalker-killers, stalker-maimers, even stalker toe-stubbers.
You can ask him to marry you (he won’t), you can ask him to have a wild fling with you (he might), you can start showing up at his house (watch for dogs), or follow his band across the country (watch gas prices), or start a fan site badmouthing his wife (she doesn’t understand him like you do).
Or you can end it right there at your first meeting together. Say, “I’m the one who’s been writing and calling, thanks for eating at Howdy’s,” and walk off into the sunset a success, hoping to gleam a little fame and maybe get Nike’s attention when the time comes to pursue the next lucky star.
But remember, this was never about you. Months later, your celeb-of-choice will be standing in a circle of A-listers swapping stalker stories at the Academy Awards, and Jack Nicholson will turn to him, “What about you, Christian Bale? Who was your craziest stalker?” Bale will look away for a moment of reflection, smile, and say, “Well, Jack, there was this one time…”