Fireside Chat #22

Celebrity-Stalking, Part 2: The Selection Process

“I’m an ideal stalker,” you realize. “I’m a stay-at-home mom whose kids have left the house, and Jesus told me, while I was smoking out with my oldest daughter, that stalking is part of his divine plan. Now whom should I stalk?”

First, crazy housewife, may I just complement you on your grammar? Most people tend to use “who” and “whom” improperly, so it’s always refreshing to hear someone use it correctly and without hesitation.

I suggest that you begin your career by making a list of all actors, musicians, athletes, and models with who you could realistically become obsessed. Make it as long as you like, but only include celebrities you could really flip out about. Someone who scores high in both “revere-ability,” one whose career you respect, and “bone-ability,” one who you’re sexually attracted to, would be an excellent choice. After all, there’s nothing worse than a tepid stalker.

Once you’ve got your list, start narrowing. Cross out anyone so famous that he has already been stalked dozens of times. The oft-stalked celebrities (Tom Cruise, Gallagher) are the ones least likely to be flattered and most likely to press criminal charges against you. I heard a story of a guy running to hide in the bushes at Meg Ryan’s house, only to find three other stalkers in the same bushes. They made it clear that there was no room for another “Meg-Head,” and he had to go home and start the process all over again. How embarrassing!

Likewise, cross off the “minor celebrities,” like the guy who plays Led Zeppelin covers at the local indie-cool café on Friday nights. Stalk that guy and you may not make it into the local paper, let alone onto the evening news. Remember, a big part of what you’re doing is leeching yourself to the celebrity to achieve your own pseudo-fame.

Do some internet research. The goal is to find someone as famous as possible whom has not yet been stalked. If Paul Giamatti does it for you, and it looks like he’s a stalker-virgin, then he should make it onto your short list.

Narrow the list down to three. Now, close your eyes. Look deep inside your heart. Which of the candidates do you picture screaming, “Get away from my dumpster”? That’s the one. Choose him. Or her, Crazy Housewife, I’m not judging.

“Great!” you say, pulling a black wool mask over your face. “I’m heading over to his house right now.”

Hold it, you eager sicko. If you’re going to do this thing, you do it right.

Before you even begin the stalking process, make sure you’re completely well-versed in the celebrity’s body of work. If it’s an actor, see his early films, no matter how small. See the one where he played Cop #4. You’ll need this info later when the time comes to prove to him that you are his number one fan.

If it’s a musician, dig up his early demos, or some live bootlegs and pay special attention to the songs he covers and the stage banter. Later, when you purposefully run into the celebrity at the supermarket and pretend you don’t know who he is, you can nonchalantly recommend that he listen to a band whom’s song(s) he plays live.

Only once you have become the nation’s predominant Barry Bonds scholar will it be time to begin stalking. I’d continue, but I’ve got to go, for now—“Whom’s the Boss” is on.

2 thoughts on “Fireside Chat #22

  1. Gabe Durham's Number One Fan says:

    i am watching you right now and singing snowball fight

  2. Gabe says:

    Save a place for me, Jack Nicholson! I’m gonna have a story to tell.

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