Fireside Chat #21

Is Celebrity Stalking the Right Vocation for Me? Frequently Asked Questions.

I’ve had it up to here* with all the trash everyone is talking about celebrity stalkers.

Let me clarify. Obviously, I have a problem with stalker/killers because they cross the line between a little good-natured invasion of privacy and forever ending someone’s right to live long enough to catch “Rocky VI” and “Rambo IV.”

Stalking celebrities is a long held national tradition, as American as robbing banks, stealing cars, or punching a guy cause you don’t like his face. The first American stalker was named Hortence Creepwater, a man aboard the Pinta in its maiden voyage to the New World. Hortence passed the dreary travel days writing love letters to Christopher Columbus, tying them to rocks, and chucking them aboard the Santa Maria. When one of the rocks hit Columbus in the back of the head, Hortence was tossed overboard, and Columbus went on to a fabulous career of discovering new land, pillaging, and enslaving the natives.

And, though he wouldn’t admit it, Columbus was flattered by Hortence. The celebs love attention, that’s why they’ve gotten into their professions in the first place. Sure, Mandy Moore would go on the record as horrified if she found a 40-year-old creepo who watches “A Walk to Remember” twice daily, in her home, trying on her underwear. But once the cops have dragged the man off, she’d think, “Wow, twice daily. My films have that kind of replay value.”

Anyway, nobody wants to be a stalker-virgin. It’s the kiss of death for the world-renowned. Imagine you’re Will Smith in a circle of A-listers swapping stalker stories at the Academy Awards, and Jack Nicholson turns to you and says, “What about you, son? Who was your craziest stalker?” and you have nothing to say. You’d wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Am I unworthy of a stalker? Is it because of ‘Bad Boys II’?” In this example, yes, it is because of “Bad Boys II.”

“Okay, Gabe,” you’re thinking, “I’ll admit that celebrity stalkers are great in moderation. But how do I know if it’s right for me?” Good point. Of course, not everyone should stalk. If everyone were stalking, there would be no one to stalk. AND there would be no one to watch the stalkers on the news and comment, “What a sicko. Glad I’m not like her.”

There’s two camps that celebrity stalkers generally fall into. First, there’s the “Bored Out of My Mind With Loads of Free Time” camp. If you watch “Entertainment Tonight,” the E! network, MTV, VH1, subscribe to both People and Us Weekly, and can name celebrity children faster than you can name your own, you likely fall into this category. Then there’s the “Insane” camp. If you feel compelled to stalk Ashton Kutcher because George Washington hovered into your window and told you to stalk for the good of the Union, you would likely fall into this category.

However, the ideal candidate for celeb-stalker is someone who is both Bored and Nuts. So before you jump on the bandwagon, take a good long look in the mirror, pal. This is going to be a long, arduous process—it could go on for years—and there are a select few who are bored enough, crazy enough, and man enough to get the job done.

* I’m currently standing, holding my hand flat at about eye level.

2 thoughts on “Fireside Chat #21

  1. Concerned Mom says:

    As predicted, I’m horrified. The idea that just because I stay at home all day long, watching TV and worrying about the safety of my children, like a good mother, that I should take up stalking, is absurd. When the time comes for Bruce Willis and I to be together, Bruce will court me like a gentleman. I’m not a whore.

  2. Bono says:

    Kudos, Durham. Getting stalked by that broad in Dublin was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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