The “Tried Your Darndest” Party!

Now that the contest is over, we can all celebrate by listening to the Gabe Durham original remix of Shapes and Sizes’ “Wilderness.”

Didn’t even place: Gabe’s Remix of “Wilderness”

Call me old-fashioned but if I don’t win a contest by mashin them up with Sufjan Stevens, Beck, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Beastie Boys, and even Shapes and Sizes themselves, then I sho don’t know how to win a contest. But, after carefully inspecting the winning entries, I figured out what they’ve got in common: SEX APPEAL. Both the first and second place entries are the kind of song that make a brother want to grab his best gal and get freaky on the dance flo.

WELL NOW THAT I KNOW, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I’M GOING TO START MAKING SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE.

sexy

Step One: I’m getting rid of that “Recalling the Good Old Days” crap! I was thinking the new GRC slogan would be, “Sexing You Up Big Time Since 2006.” Still working on that one. Maybe you could help me.

Step Two: Instead of posting reviews and dumb stuff, I’m going to be posting weekly installments of a SEXY serial novel about a cool guy who goes to all the clubs and GRINDS hardcore on tons of babes.

Step Three: No more pictures of old people! Talk about un-sexy.

How else? This “being sexy” thing doesn’t come naturally to an old-fashioned country bumpkin like myself, so I need your help! Please post some comments and let me know how to to make Gather Round, Children as sexy as possible.

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9 thoughts on “The “Tried Your Darndest” Party!

  1. Reggie Boatman says:

    I understand your plight, Durham. Perhaps some streamers would help get the party going. I know that The Reggie Boatman Hour really got a ratings boost when we implemented streamers on the show. Balloons, too.

  2. Concerned Mom says:

    I am a mother of two. I stumbled upon your site as I was searching for a site that perhaps my 6-year-old twins could “gather round.” Then I find this business about sexy dancing??? It’s an abomination.

  3. Reggie Boatman says:

    Hey, chill out, lady.

  4. Gabe says:

    Hey, thanks for sticking up for me, Reggie. I owe you one. Good call on the streamers.

  5. Reggie Boatman says:

    You’d do it for me, man. Remember the time those moms protested my controversial “Pro-Child Labor” episode? You were the only one who stood by me. You want to get some lunch this week?

  6. Gabe says:

    I’d be way into getting some lunch.

  7. Showbiz Lovepuff says:

    As your girlfriend, Gabe, I will give you a few sexy pointers.
    1. Make me food.
    2. Feed me food.
    3. Massage my back.
    4. Do my laundry.

    Then, you’d be so sexy.

  8. I am a father of one, and I think the reshape contest judges are on crack. You got robbed. And so did the silver medal, although, if you won, like in my theory, they would still be silver. Bronze wasn’t even a remix, it was a remake. Runner up John Devon wasn’t even a song, it was a website about some kind of http gobbledegook. “Winner” Davide Loi was obviously in on some kind of laundry-for-play scam.

  9. Hans says:

    Get with the times, Captain. Electronic music is the most precise, accurate form of music we have. It’s a testament to the progress of man. 100 years ago, man would have killed for a drum machine! A word to the wise, Durham: put a thumpin beat and a funky bass line in there next time, and the people will eat it up.

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