Fireside Chat #4 (Fall ’05)

THE FORCE RESTORES PEACE TO THE WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT, THOUGH I CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT IT DOES SO IN THE “REAL WORLD.”

My campaign for Supreme Court Justice is off to a glorious start. Most folks I pitch my campaign to can at least admit that I look like a young Stephen Breyer. The only snag I’ve hit so far has been finding an application. They make it so hard, it’s like they don’t want people to run. I could go on, but Gabe Durham honors his commitments.

So, as promised: Cheap Shots at Michael Jackson.

Ahem.

Born a young slave from Tatooine, skilled in piloting and strong in the Force, Michael burst onto the music scene with his sugary voice, electrifying dance moves and winning smile. He was adored by all, at the price of his childhood. When Thriller came out, Michael started hanging out/dancing with an army of the undead, so it was no surprise to anyone that he was seduced to the Dark Side by Senator Palpatine. Then, just as some of the mothers of the zombies in his undead army began to charge the “Beat It” singer of misconduct, Obi-Wan Kenobi pushed him into molten lava during their duel on the volcano-planet Mustafar. Now he makes mediocre pop music and wears a mechanical suit that keeps him alive. No wonder Michael’s music has suffered: he’s more machine than man.

I’m not sure why the king of pop defected to the dark side, I’m just confident that the Force will balance itself like it always does. You know what I’m talking about, just look in the news.

It’s no coincidence that just as country singer Kenny Chesney and actress Renee Zellweger got a divorce after their four month marriage, actors Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards decided to get back together. See, celebrity-worshipers? Love isn’t dead, it’s just got ADD.

Or how about when the overrated comedian-bred sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond came to a close? The terribly-titled comedian-bred sitcom like Everybody Hates Chris is strutting in to fill its place. Maybe it takes a guy as talented as Chris Rock to save the sitcom genre, I just don’t know why he would want to.

Again, the genre of Cinematic Musical seemed likely to be buried along with The Sound of Music and West Side Story producer/direction Robert Wise. But in comes “Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” a new stop-motion animated musical about a futuristic cult that worships Charles Manson as their messiah. I’m still waiting for a film adaptation of Queen’s “We Will Rock You,” but we’ll have to settle for this instead.

Even if I’m not elected to the Supreme Court, I’m confident that the force will balance itself by making sure my good friend Mike Nevarez is elected Homecoming King this year. (Consult TheFacebook.com for more information about Mike’s campaign, if you haven’t already left the site because the administration is holding a disciplinary hearing after you selected
Pearl Harbor as one of your “favorite movies.” If so, I hope they throw the book at you. A big book, like a dictionary.)

I hope you’re becoming fluent in the ways of the Force. You know, legend has it that one day a “chosen one” will rise up and defeat Michael Jackson, restoring peace to the galaxy once again. Some say it will be his “son,” that baby he dangled from the balcony, but my guess: Mac Daddy of Kris Kross.

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