I WOULD MAKE A VERY GOOD SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
I was really banking on the assumption that I would suddenly remember how to read once school started, and it still hasn’t happened, so I’m dropping out of Pepperdine.
It’s sad, yes, but at least I’ve got more time for my music. There’s my folksy solo career as Gabriel-Jo, my maudlin indie rock band, The Reefs, and of course, my electronic side project, Robot Island.
Unfortunately, critics have panned the solo project as “tragically imitative,” the indie band as “Suck Cab for Ugly,” and the electronic project as “train-wreck vocals over comes-with-the-keyboard beats.” That hurt my feelings almost as badly as the hate mail I’ve been getting for my illiteracy.
It seemed like it was back to running my illegal gambling ring until I heard about the timely death of Chief Supreme Court Justice Judge Rehnquist. It hit me like a ton of children: I should run for Supreme Court Justice. I’d be great! I hear that John Roberts may have dibs on the position of “Chief Justice,” but I’d still be happy with “Regular Justice.”
You’re wondering, “Why should I vote for Gabe Durham?” May I first say that you are a very attractive individual. That’s a tangent, sure, but I had to say what was on my heart.
I have experience. I mean, I already judge people all the time. The other day my friend told me about all the jaywalking he’d recently gotten into, and I pretended like it didn’t bother me but in my heart I knew that I was better than him.
I’ve probably watched about a thousand Judge Judy trials. I’m pretty sure Supreme Court is the same thing except that the defendant is the State of
California instead of some deadbeat LA dad who won’t pay his child support. I also understand that Supreme Court Justices love to argue about some guy named Rovey Wade.
Plus, I’m an idea man. For instance, in last year’s Pepperdine mascot competition, I entered a creature called Sharkman. He’s a half-man, half-hammerhead shark who wears business suits. Ferocious, professional, and wickedly sexy, he was a shoe-in for Pepperdine mascot. I can only assume that the committee lost my submission, or every FOP would already be trembling in his wake.
Also, I’m really in touch with minorities. My roommate, for instance, is black. Isn’t that impressive?
“Sure, Gabe, you look good on paper, but where do you stand on the issues?” Fair enough, my gorgeous constituent. For starters, I’m for women voters. I may be stepping on some toes here, but I think that women are entitled to just as much of an opinion as men. And if you don’t agree, you can take a hike. I’m for freedom. I’m for American flags. I tell what I’m against, though: Jim Crow laws. Vote for me and you’ll never see those again.
For my campaign tour, I’ll be hitting the CCB, the CAC and the OPP pretty hard. I’m not sure when the election is, and as far as I know, I’m running unopposed, but I’ll get back to you with further updates.I apologize for the lack of A&E news. Next week will be nothing but cheap shots Michael Jackson, I promise.